Insanity

Well....it's been quite a bit since last I posted. Unfortunately I have been having wild bipolar swings, mostly a nasty dysphoric mania which means I am sad, hostile, angry and can't sleep, want to have all kinds of twisted sex and spend money I don't have. Sounds like fun, right?

Today I was at confession again. I have been feeling a tad more stable so I thought I would clean the slate and try to get a grip and get my sex addiction under control once again. I was thinking about the chicken and the egg when it comes to my sex addiction and mental illness. What comes first, the mood shifts or the sexual acting out? Obviously when I begin to have mood swings, especially severe mood swings, it becomes difficult to stay sexually sober. But I am finally beginning to see that my acting out, which is rather shocking and intense is destabilizing me and throwing me into severe episodes.

I have been unwilling to admit that my addiction was or could be the primary problem and that it is fueling my mental illness, rather than the other way around. I have also been unwilling to admit that when my mental illness is out of whack that more than a medication adjustment was necessary. My response to my mental illness was always to up one med or lower another med and I always operated under the delusion that my life was pretty stable and in order aside from my sex addiction.

The truth is that there are a lot of things fueling my recent bout of mania. My out of control sexual acting out, my violently turbulent relationship with my sister Florence, having to care for my father and being held prisoner in this home, and yes, my medications are not adjusted properly.

Back to the egg. If my acting out behavior is destabilizing my mental state than it becomes much more important to get my sex addiction under control than it was before. Medications are ceasing to be the panacea they always were...now I have to do some work.